Living with anxiety
It is not difficult for me to share things about my past. About what was. But what happens when old threads show up in the present. What happens when anxiety and sadness feels overwhelming for a while?
You will get caught!
”If any one finds out that you still experience anxiety then you can no longer be a psychologist” – that is always one of the first thoughts that come up for me.
It shows up because I carry a feeling of shame inside of me. I am ashamed that I did not fix my anxiety, and that it is still here from time to time. Why did I not fix it ones and for all?
The fact is that anxiety has a very good reason for being here in my life. I know that anxiety is part of our inherited system and it is there to protect us from danger. Anxiety tells us when there is danger around, it shows us when something is not right.
Why is my anxiety present now?
Over the last couple of years a lot has happened, and I notice that the anxiety has a very good reason to stick around. I was confronted with the fragile parts of life, and had to realize that young people die to. For absolutely no reason in a complete unfair way. Young people die to, and there is not a single thing that I can do about it.
That brings me into a state of mind, where I sometimes disappear in a fog of worry and fear about the future and what the future will bring. And in that process, I forget that I to are human. I get scared and I am allowed to get scared. In fact it is part of life when we come to realize the harsh reality of our human existence.
Maybe there is nothing to be ashamed about.
Many years of self-development
Self-development has been a part of my life for nearly twenty years now. My anxiety has been around ever since I was a young child. It is not to be fixed or to get rid of. It is a perfect messenger. It shows me when I need to take very good care of myself.
Life happens all the time, and I am here now. Living it. As I write this I remind myself that years ago the anxiety was so bad that I could not be home alone. I was so scared of living. I was living by myself in a small apartment and anxiety was pretty much all I experienced. I numbed the anxiety with binge eating and vomiting many times every single day and sometimes nights to.
I am no longer afraid when I am alone, and yes I sometimes eat Ben & Jerrys and binge watch netflix when I feel to tense and overwhelmed. But I no longer binge eat and vomit twelve times a day. Some days I even experience a complete sense of calmness and compassion towards myself.
I have come so far since then, but sometimes I forget that. Usually when shame and self-criticism enters.
Living a value based life
My dream has always been to live a life full of meaning. It was so painful when I was convinced that a life full of meaning was just not for me.
Today I am a mom and I have two kids. Can you believe that the body that I tortured for so many years carried and gave me two beautiful babies.
My husband and I are still together and has been for twelve years now. Even though I have been so afraid that he would leave me so many times. He is still here and I am here for him.
I followed my dream and became a psychologist and I did it in a way that is exactly how I want it to be.
In a way where I can be who I am and my clients get to be exactly the way they are. Everyday I am grateful that I get to witness the trust and strength that these beautiful people show me. They carry the biggest courage and bravery every time they show up for themselves.
If I did not know anxiety and if anxiety was not a part of my life. If I did not know what it is like to torture your own mind and body from the inside out, then I would not be who I am today.
My personal journey has taken me places that I did not now existed. I met the most beautiful people on my way, and I would not be without it.
The journey never ends
I know now that my journey never ends. It will take me unknown places and I will learn from it every time. Some days will be amazing and beautiful others will take a great deal of courage and strength.
I embrace my anxiety and when shame shows up again, I will embrace that to. I won’t like it, but I will welcome it.
We are all human beings. Today I shared my secret with you. Anxiety.
With the greatest love